Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
