God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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