i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize