It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I think I sprained my soul last night
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
