Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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