Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
