i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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