I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
