I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
