The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
