hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
