So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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