Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
