I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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