you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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