So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize