Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
