dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
