I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
