last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
