I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
