i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
