if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
