hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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