are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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