census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
