I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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