I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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