I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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