i permit you to call me
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
