people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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