A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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