before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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