ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
