She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
