it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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