you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
