Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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