it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
