Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
