i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
