just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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