i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i love accidental penises.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
