Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Naked Twister starts at high noon
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm sobbing to NWA
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
