Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
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