how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
