i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
