you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
