Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
