quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
