i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize