I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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