All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
two words...techno handjob
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
being pregnant is like rehab
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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