i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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