So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
