Well douche your snatch and let's go!
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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