I need help removing her.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
