Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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